Why is it like this
Why did you give up?
Was there a reason why you stopped loving me?
Or did you ever really love me at all?
And even when you did stop loving me, you still insisted that you care about me and miss me so so much.
And yet I never saw it, the ages during my pre teen and teen years are all but a blur, there are no memories of you, apart from the times you made me cry, scowled at me for trying to encourage my younger sibling, and the times where you would yell at me for something I didn't even do.
I know I was a reckless teen, I know well and good how I was back then, I was angry, irritated, a ticking time bomb, but I don't know, there were probably reasons as to why I was like that.
The only other 2 memories I remember of you before my pre teens, was the times where I was in distress, both times I was completely shut down, and that's probably why I'm even like this, just a sad sack of shit.
Did you even want this? I'm sometimes happy for you and your success, you have so many friends, a good career, and a good reputation, you have everything you probably ever wanted, but why did you leave me out of it?
The way you took my clothes and wore them, never let me wear things I wanted, always observing me.
Your touch is absolutely awful, the times you would come and hug me, it feels cold, so cold, I cant take that, it makes me feel so uncomfortable, like it's not even really there as a comforting gesture, but rather a possessive hold, as my skin crawls in my skin, as your hands curl around me in a tight embrace.
Even when I left you alone so that I can focus on myself, and left you to your successes, you would still say to not be so independent that I stop telling you things, or how much you miss me, get me gifts, assume something was going on and trying to get me to talk.
Even just, the amount of times you've done things behind my back and planned things without me knowing, how much control you really want over my life while also actively not paying attention to me.
I can't forget, I can't forget the fact you neglected me for years, I cant trust you, I cant just suddenly trust you, I dont want to, I know where it gets me, I just know better now because I'm not the helpless and naive child I was before, and I know I cant trust you with anything.
The times I've tried to talk about the hurt you caused, to try to get through to you somehow, and yet you never accept it, get angry and defensive.
It would be fine if you just, left me alone, just let me do my things, it's clear I'm not apart of your life, and yet you still try to drag me in.
Even pointing out and telling me that I'm acting like how I was when I was depressed, but how do I even tell you when I know you will never accept it?
How do I do it? It never works, it never does, I can never get through to you, never, it never works.
...
I know,
I know you have probably been hurt more than me, I won't deny that,
You do deserve everything good happening to you, you really do,
But, I can't fathom how I stopped seeing you as a parent, but rather as an annoying and toxic ex partner that keeps trying to draw me in.
I cant see you as a parent, I just cant, its not possible, it makes me sick, I dont see you as a parent anymore, and the affections you give me never reflect the motherly embrace that most people get from their own parents.
It holds onto me and never lets go, nails piercing my skin drawing blood, as I cry and scream, but try to hug you tighter, to get something out of it, I needed it, but you never seem to let go, as you beckon me to come closer and be by your side, touching me all over, giving me some kind of warmth, even though it feels like ice,
But what good does it give me, I feel like a partner in an abusive relationship, when this is supposed to be a parent and ________ relationship, but I dont see that, I never did, I cant see it.
You keep trying to drag me back in, and when I do, it's met with the same silence and trying to twist my words around, making me think whatever I feel and think is not true, and that I'm making things up,
And then when I distance, you pull me right back in with how much you love and miss me, give me hugs, and how good I am in the house and how important I am, everyone in that house says I'm probably the most important person in that house, but I can't take it, I can't do this, it's not fair, I shouldn't have to be the responsible one in a house with three other much older adults, come on, I was a kid, I cant do all of this and feel responsible for that sick thing called my home, I cant.
Is this what our relationship is? Just a never ending tug of war? Just two people going back and forth? Why is this how our relationship is? What's going on?
And whenever people around my parent or in general others say how good of a parent they really are, and how perfectly they raised such obedient and good kids, I really wonder how they would react when at 15 I wanted to take my own life, and how __ _______ _______ _____ to ____ ______, having to stop it myself as a ___ ____.
Did I tell anyone? No not at all, you may call younger me an idiot, a stupid bitch even for never telling anything about it, you may do all of that.
...
And yet, even thought all of this has happened, and how pissed and angry it makes me sometimes to see your success and fame while Im here struggling to feel human sometimes,
I still do know you deserve happiness, and even my friends have told me how my parent shouldn't have been a parent at all, and they would've been fine,
But that would mean I wouldn't exist really now would I? Hahaha, I'm just that meaningless aren't I?
But really, you can have your life, your allowed to, it's your life after all.
But I just ask.
To please leave me alone.
And never try to gain my trust again.
Cause the damage you've done, is not great,
And I cant forgive you for that.
I'm sorry.
- Murr