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Unreality

"Tears sting my eyes, droplets that never go past the edge of my cheeks, they just stay there, until I promptly wipe them off"

I don't remember the last time I really cried properly, like howling ugly crying, most of the times I cry now have been very quiet, and I can't even sob as much anymore where it feels like a weight has been lifted, but rather it somehow makes me worse

I can't cry, sometimes I have to make myself cry to let it out due to my brain's first instinct to go do something else that won't help me, at all, but I can feel the calling of it

I can feel it, the way the _____ would sting my ____, I feel it so much, I'm not sure why, and even if I don't want to do it, it's still there, when I'm stressed out, angry and in agony

I've had many meltdowns over the past few weeks, maybe that's a consequence to me wanting to relive past memories over and over again, and even though my brain wanted me to stop, in the form of headaches, I still went through with it

I guess a sick part of me wanted to just validate my pain and understand myself, in the most harmful way possible, and I may have fried my brain in doing so

Now I don't really feel alive anymore, and my emotions are completely dysregulated, and I feel dead majority of the time

Now I'm not someone who wants life to end, far from it, there's a lot left out there for me I'm aware of that, but my brain is in such a state right now, It feels like such a pain to even exist sometimes

Which is why recently I've been feeling like, I can see the universe

It's a beautiful thing, the vastness of the world, how life is, and everything it has to offer, and the deep connection I've seen beyond the world itself

I've always resonated alot with night time anyway, it was my solace, my peace, a time where I can be to myself, even if it was miserable, I had some connection to the night sky, the stars, space in general, its almost beautiful

I can feel the universe, the stars

I remember one day when I was ready to take my own life at the age of 15, I suddenly saw bats flying around me at the dead of night outside, and in my heart, I hoped that the bats would take me away and I would live a new life as a chosen one, the one who will be chosen for a better future

That never happened, but it's something I think about occasionally

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I can't seem to understand how on earth I'm going to get better

For all I know I'm an absolute case file of a human being that needs to be dissected and analyzed for the good of science and psychology, because the way I've been and am is jarring to say the least

I can feel everything in my body, from the way my gut works, to my brain, to the insides of my blood vessels, every single sensation I can feel, like I'm always hyperalert at all times

Disasters and bad things dont usually phase me anymore, rather its just something that happens, and I just have to make do and move on with my life

I sometimes see things at the corner of my eyes, figures and shapes, like they are just there, and then gone within seconds

It's like I can feel everything but nothing at all at the same time, and it somewhat frightens me quiet a bit

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I wonder what younger me would've thought if she saw me now, would she be horrified? Surprised? She's long dead but still, a rotting corpse can still see through their open eyes, I wonder what she would think

I'm not sure I can ever get out of this, but I have to accept even after treatment and a heavy load of care, I'm still not going to forget this period of my life

Maybe in a few years time when I'm in a much better place, I'll look back at this and laugh, or cry, either one, knowing how much of an awful mindset I was in

I'd like for things to get better, maybe even be able to feel alive again, I don't have much hope, but there's the slight gimmer of hope that I can, and I'm holding onto that hope as tight as ever

Right now I imagine like I'm on the edge of a cliff, the abyss below calling to me, wanting to drag me in, telling me to jump

But I imagine I've sent up a tent on the edge of it, and am currently residing there, just to try and live despite how much pain I'm in, and seeking shelter from the outside for now

I've beem on that edge for years, prior to it I was dangling my feets above the abyss, thinking about it, planning it, now I've resided here, just for now

And maybe one day, I can pack up the tent, take it with me, and walk as far away from the edge as I want to, as the edge slowly loses it's existence and meaning

Maybe one day that can happen, I just need to keep going, that's all I can really do

I mean who else is going to live this life?

- Murr