A day of Acceptance
What is existence if not meaningless at any point.
It's occurred to me how short a life can be, and how much we take that for granted.
It's been a day since I was in such a mindset that I had accepted I was going to die, thinking how death was going to be like, thinking if I should write notes, or leave my stories for others to write them for me.
Thing is, when your in that kind of state, it's difficult to think logically about your own crumbling situation
Since well, the reason I felt like that was because of my own doings, things I was doing that caused me to feel like I was dying.
On top of that thinking no one had empathy, no one ever had empathy, not even my own friends, because they weren't consoling me or being with me 24/7 during this period.
Thoughts racing through my head in vigour, thinking so many things all at once, and even thought there is a small voice in your head saying that is was irrational to be this panicked, your body starts aching, you heartrate faster than ever before, and you feel weak, almost frail, and heavy.
All of that combined with the general idea that you are going to die, mixed in with thinking no one really cared enough to be around you during such a moment, and the fact that you were thinking about how pathetic your life was up until that point, only to die like this, and asking god why he was doing this to you
And how the people you wanted to distance yourself from and didn't want to ask for help or comfort, ended up with feeling actually cared for by the same people, even though you've always seen these people as the very people who hurt you.
At that point I was realizing about others as well, others who didn't have time left in their lives, and were sick of living, because there was no hope of getting better, I could understand how people get to such a state, how they couldn't run away even if they wanted to.
Sickening, what a mindset, you'd think I'd be a bit startled by this being my mind of all things
But every other time I think about life and just general existence, and have had many instances where I've felt like I was slowly dieing, and accepted it.
The acceptance is the more messed up part, not sure why I don't really want to fight anymore, rather just let it be
And it's stupid, how based on my own stupid actions I end up putting myself in more danger, and then feel like I'm dieing, which wouldn't have happened if I had an extreme fear response and did whatever I could to not lose control again
But, that's just how it is, and know I'm yet again wallowing away at the fact that I went through something like that, it seems a bit surreal.
I keep thinking about how many times I've been in such a state, my mind is like an endless void of messiness and pure unfiltered thoughts, that I sometimes can't tell who is me anymore.
Who am I? What am I? What can I even do?
It's an exhausting way to live, and I admit it probably is
And yet that's how I'm living right now, maybe there's hopes of getting better, but I'm not sure.
Nonetheless, the thought of death and how my mindset is during these scenarios is a bit interesting, intriguing even?
Eitherways, I know that writing about it now will make me feel better, which is what I'm doing.
The best way I can describe that day, was accepting that no one would really care if I died, and I was okay with that, because I wouldn't want to think I was that important eitherways
But am still here, so thats's a good sign right?
- Murr
(Note: I may put an image later, maybe not, not in the mood right now, just needed to vent)