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Love and Yearning

I'm not usually this sappy but I suddenly got into a mood and wanted to write my heart out, soo here is that, a bit of a contrast but whatever

What is love if not a formless meaning of wanting to be with someone and live with them for the rest of your existence

Thing is, as much as love is universal almost everywhere, there are so many times where I just never get it

Ever since I was a kid I never really had any crushes on anyone, at all, and the ones I think I had were probably just me liking how they looked and nothing else, once I knew their personality it was gone

Other times it would just confuse me how much people were willing to go for the extent of commitment and relationship

We had 7th graders proposing to one another like it was normal, and even young me thought it was so weird to be doing that, we were way to young to understand the concept of relationships in general and what it meant

Lately through my own self assessment I have realized that, I do have some kind of attraction, something is there, mostly with the same sex, as I've come to know

But I think the reason I was never that strong in feeling said attraction was due to, past baggage, possibly, although I can't be too sure

And yet, there was something, things I would do and certain thoughts I would have as well as dreams, kind of told that I had developed something, but I just didn't have the words to really describe or explain it

Recently I've also come to the realization I probably have a sort of crush on one of my friends, but I can't tell if it's actually a crush, or if it's because they're just someone I feel comfortable with and close to, really close to, someone I really trust

What does that even mean? Is that how feelings blossom? This is all so new to me so experiencing it and actually taking the time to observe myself is a lot to take in

And yet, there is the one part of me, the yearning, the deep and strong yearning of that someone in my life

It's strong, it calls out, begs, it wants that someone to hold close and never let go, to always be by my side, someone to love and cherish for the rest of our days

The warmth, desire, the flurry of butterflies tickling at the surface of my heart, ready to just love someone that much

But also, not knowing what that kind of love even is, and if I even feel it like that

I fear, the idea of getting too close and hurting someone, it's always at the back of my head saying how I'm not stable to be around, and that I can be either too much, or completely out of it all the time, not even seeing them anymore

The things I think about and want, are all things I would love to experience with someone, the idea of love and romance is phenomenal, the modern age usually has such a bland and boring way of looking at this kind of commitment, when it can be so much more than people realize, it's almost beautiful

This also isn't to say that just romance has these kinds of strong and warm bonds, literally any bond can be as warm as this, whether it be family, friends, pets, or anyone else, human connection is absolutely adorable if we look at it from an outside perspective, how much we are willing to put down anything for human connection and a sense of unity and community

And even if one does not want said connection, finding that love within yourself can be as fulfilling, if not more than what you can find in someone else, the idea of accepting your flaws and working on yourself, not out of obligation, but to show love towards yourself and be better, the type of self love that can finally let you see how important you are in this world

Also just how we can love certain things, things that bring us enjoyment, happiness and a sense of identity, whether it be music, games, movies, shows, hobbies like drawing, writing, gardening, reading, or even objects that you hold dear to you, that have so much sentimental value that you can never draw apart from it

The idea that love is universal is subjective, but it can be a statement, because love can mean something different to anyone, in various different parts of the world, and that's kind of beautiful

Love isn't for everyone either, that's also just a fact, I know not everyone is in a state where they can really enjoy anything, and that's fine too, just know that even if life is absolutely shit and there's nothing else left for you, just existing sometimes is more than enough in some cases, and that's better than nothing at all

I probably am waiting for someone out there to share my life with, I admit despite how depressing this space is, I still do want that someone as many probably do, but I also know it won't just randomly happen to me, and I will have to work to even get to a point in life I can secure something like that, and that's fine

The times I lay in bed and yearn for that someone, it's always something that happens, that's when I know my heart craves that kind of connection, badly

So yeah, despite how much I feel like I'm miserable and that I'm always going to be like this, there are things that do make me happy, it's a bit absurd, getting sentimental like this since its a bit rare nowadays, but it's there, and I'm happy that part of me is still there

And it feels nice nonetheless, it helps

- Murr

PS: I'm in a good mood so here's something that usually lightens my spirits up a bit, enjoy

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