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Fear

Hoo boy

You know for all the cares I give to the world, I can't seem to understand how I never cared about the obvious warning signs that hint at the fact I feel unsafe

You know really taking into consideration how I've been neglecting obvious warning signs that I actually feel like I'm in danger

You know the feeling

The feeling where your entire world and life is focused on only that moment, where nothing else matters at that point, your passions, happiness, friends are all gone or dead

The world slows down and you feel the overwhelming sense of dread and pain at the sheer tone difference or loud sound of screaming

You think about how tight your chest gets and how you feel like throwing up, wanting to sob and cry and let it out but your too scared to say or do anything wrong

Your shaky voice gets stuck in your throat as you try to manage their mood somehow, trying to get back on track because your just that terrified of them raising their voice even louder

Or something worse

There is a pit of dread in your chest and you feel like you could die at any point, or just go through unimaginable doom and sorrow

Until

They just pretend like nothing ever happened and get right back on track

Leaving you just a frail little thing that can be swept away by a pleasant breeze

I'll be honest I've always just ignored it

But now that I'm noticing it I just feel even more overwhelmed by what I'm feeling

Just an insignificant little person that can be torn down by just that

Oh the horror, it's a little manic just how much fear I have within myself just by the sound of yelling and screaming

And in that moment everything just slows down and halts to a stop

It's terrifying, but I'm starting to notice it more, so I guess that's a good sign?

It means I now know my boundaries so I guess that's a plus

Okay, what stuff has been happening so far

- I started going for therapy, without anyone but my friends knowing, so let's see where that goes

- I am currently plotting many things behind the scenes to try and fix whatever messes these people have even created

- And I'm also sort of out of any educational institution rn (college), and am practically unemployed

Hopefully not for too long though, I need to get the hell out of here somehow and have a living

A real living

Not whatever the fuck this is, if you can even call it living

I had written some notes in between but lost the motivation to publish them, so I didn't

But if you so desire, you can check my private tumblr only found by people using this site, since it's not public or findable on search engines

So yeah, don't expect anything great that's just me being random

Am I going to put it here? Nah, that's for you to find out

Anyways, take care

- Murr